I feel rubbish tonight, as I have been doing for all the other nights since I started to gain weight again. The smallest number I saw on the scales was 8st7lbs and I was ecstatic at this. I felt sexy, confident, happy, and more full of life than I can remember. Slowly but surely, the weight has crept back on again and I am now atleast a stone heavier. I can't say I try whole-heartedly to get back on the plan, just because there are countless temptations around the house. I wake up every morning with the intention of eating a little bit more sensibly than I did the previous day, but who am I kidding? I will only lose the weight if I follow the plan fully, trust in it without a second thought, just like I used to. I am miserably squeezing into size 10s, choosing to wear the same long baggy jumpers to hide my lumps and bumps. I catch people looking at my middle, people who have seen me lose the weight before and have been happy for me. It is embarrassing and disappointing, and it makes me hate myself that little bit more when I see their faces. I promise myself I'll go for a run, I'll put out my Shred DVD, I'll make sure to cut some fruit or salad tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes. I start my first ever proper job three weeks from tomorrow. Operation Get Fit Or Look Shit needs to start immediately. My mind is preparing excuses already for reasons not to start right now.
1. It's hard to find nice things to eat when I'm out and about.
2. I won't be able to go out for a run with the rubbish weather coming up.
3. I can only do the DVD in my room but the floorboards creak beneath my weight and I don't want to arouse suspicion.
4. Everyone else in the house gets annoyed when I cook Slimming World friendly meals.
5. September is a month of many family birthdays and consequently many meals.
While I'm in a frame of mind to build up defences for all these excuses, here I go.
1. It's not hard to order a salad with dressing on the side, or pick up a pot of fruit from Tesco. It's not hard to order chicken from Nando's, take the skin off, and ask for a side salad while everyone else eats their chips. I have done it before, I can do it again.
2. There is a treadmill in the house. I have a gym membership and will be given another gym membership as part of my new work contract benefits.
3. I can wait for the house to be empty, or near empty. Half an hour is not a huge amount of time to set aside in a day. Shred gives results and I want those ab definition lines back again.
4. So what? I'm not forcing it down their throats. I can freeze portions or take them to work for lunch.
5. I can demonstrate willpower and choose the most sensible foods. I can eat before we go out if needs be.
I am feeling a little bit stronger, typing this out and being able to see it all infront of me. I know once I am back on track I will feel a thousand times better about myself. My skin will stop breaking out, I won't have to resort to cups of tea to flush my stomach out, and most of all, my clothes will fit again. I have ordered two pairs of Zaggora HotPants, by accident, from Groupon and can't wait until they arrive. I look forward to the definition they will give me for my waist, hips, bum and legs. I will be happy to have less cellulite. I want to get back into my size 10 skinny jeans and buy another pair, maybe two. I will measure the monstrosity that my body has become now, when the HotPants arrive, and then at weekly intervals. I don't want to lie to myself any more. I am not happy the way I am, and if I can't love me, who do I expect to love me?
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